PARENTING: Not for the Squeamish!

"I’ve been spanked with many things but my conscience causes the most pain." - Bigwhitehat

Some friends of ours have a little boy. A cute curly headed little boy … that no one can stand. See, this kid is a brat. He gets no correction, no discipline. He absolutely runs the show in his little world. His “id” has been allowed to grow unpruned, wild as kudzu and just as strangling. He’s so bad that his name has secretly become interchangeable with the word brat in certain circles.

It's not his fault. Kids behave how they are allowed to behave. His parents have failed him because they didn’t have the heart (or the kohones) to straighten him up. I feel sorry for him, really. And I feel sorry for the world when he reaches adulthood.

Incrediboy has been testing us. When he finds something he can do which he shouldn’t do, that elicits the right response from Mom and Dad (in other words, anything that triggers an insistent “No”), he’ll try it again. And again. To see just how much he can get away with. Done with that devil smile of his that makes you laugh if you’re not ready for it and therefore will completely discredit you.

Blossoming into his terrible two's, he’s certainly old enough to have responsibility and repercussions for his behavior enforced (at appropriate levels of comprehension), which let me tell you, is no fun for any of us.

Grounded in the footsteps of my ancestors, I have a loving but firm attitude toward discipline. I remember before I was a parent, when getting into discussions about children in general and disciplinary matters in particular, my friends with children would often belittle me. I can hear them still:

“You don't understand. Just wait till you have kids. It’s harder than you think – you won’t be so quick to crack down on them. You'll see!"

I had always thought at the time (and still do) that these were lame responses. Excuses given for themselves, for not being able to stand up to their children. For not having the backbone to do what was right. Kids need the guidance of their elders. They need to be taught what is acceptable and not acceptable. They count on us to teach them their life skills. Most importantly they need to know who’s boss, and that it isn’t them. And regardless of immediate reactions, children are much happier for it.

Don't get me wrong. It's impossible to make the right call all the time. If there’s one thing I’ve learned since becoming a parent, it’s that AS a parent it is very hard to know what to do at all times. If at any time. LOL. But to NOT give them the best guidance we can is a disservice to them.

I’ve come to realize that while it’s part due to experience (our experience as parents and our experience as former disciplined children) and part due to example (our own actions and behaviors speak volumes to them), it’s mostly about guts. Children need structure and they need consistency. And man, are they sharp on picking up details. Give in once and they know that it’s a possibility for future battles. React differently at different times, and you confuse them. Rules should be set in stone, non-negotiable and virtually inflexible. Kids don’t need to be afforded debates and bargains. They need to be taught “the law according to Dad and Mom” and have it consistently enforced and respected.

It takes more guts than you think.

... And yes, I freely admit! It is very difficult to wield your authority. To love someone so overpoweringly that it feels, as they say, that your heart is on the outside of your body - and not letting them have what they want, or do what they want. Administering consequences. Having the stern tone of your voice or the quick smack of their hand cause those giant tears to well up and spill out of big beautiful hurt eyes. To not crumble at the sorrowful embrace around your knee – it’s very hard. The hardest thing in the world. But it’s not a negotiable responsibility. It’s not something we can put off because we don’t feel like being the meanie. It must be done. For their instruction. For their safety. For their “own good”.

But more to the point, it’s the long-term goal that must be kept in focus. Discipline and guidance in childhood yields a grounded and well-adjusted adult. Not giving in to every tantrum will teach them to cope with life not always going their way. Teaching them manners and respect will help mold them into men and women who are prepared to function in society and appropriately interact with others. The payoff is later, and WAY more important than upsetting them for a short spell here and now.

We know there will be days that Incrediboy will resent us, maybe even genuinely hate us. It sours my stomach to even cast a quick thought upon that. But parenting isn’t a sprint, it’s a long distance run. Focus on the finish line, maintain the consistent pace. In time and by the grace of God, we will serve him well as his parents and he will appreciate it.

Hub and I agree, that while we strive to build and share a loving and fun relationship with our boy, the time to be his buddy is when he’s an adult. And that time will come, no doubt more quickly than we’ll expect.

Until then, much consistent and properly dispensed guidance, discipline, and encouragement needs incorporated in with the learning, laughter, and love.

Until then, we will wear our game face, and will not let him see us cry when we have to be the meanies.

The things we do for love.