Sunday, July 16, 2006

In the Chop

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Lyric of the Day:

I'm just wondering why
I feel so all alone
Why I'm a stranger
In my own life ...
Everyday is a winding road
I get a little bit closer
Everyday is a faded sign
I get a little bit closer to feeling fine

- Cheryl Crow
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

After a long and arduous vacation week of rain and gloom, it was a really nice weekend. We took the boat out on Saturday, and in the midst of my mind being preoccupied with a hundred other details, I noticed how blue the water looked. The color of our lake is usually more between avocado and pine, but Saturday it looked deep blue. It was beautiful.

The water was quite choppy. As we took a cruise after lunch, Incrediboy curled up against me and fell sound asleep. I'm always amused at how he can sleep with so much chaos going on around him. Our boat rose and fell with the chops, sometimes smacking rather hard. His head would thump and bounce against my chest, but it all seemed to lull him deeper into his sound sleep. I was reminded of times that we'd boat years before he was born. Sometimes, as the Hub would go for a cruise, I'd crawl up into the cutty after a long day, drowsy and warm from the sun, and fall sound asleep despite the fact that the bow beneath me would smack rather sternly against the lake's surface. Though maybe rough to some, it was soothing to me.

Incrediboy has always been remarkably at ease on the boat and the lake. He's been on the water since before he was born - so perhaps - like his mom and dad - even in the midst of ruckus, this is the place of true peace for him.

I am happy by the water. I feel comfortable around it and in it. We used to spend every possible moment at the lake. We'd go out on week nights, and we'd camp out from Friday afternoon till Sunday night. I sleep better on the lake than anywhere, be it cradled in the gentle rocking of the cove waters and quiet serenade of the stars, or while my captain cruised the waters mid day at full throttle. Not that I take on the condition of narcolepsy while boating - but it does relax me, and naps are deep and luxurious in the arms of the lake gods.

I haven't camped out on the boat in four years. It was a sacrifice made when we brought Most Beautiful Dog into our lives (trust me, he would not make a good boat dog). I miss it at times. Hub will camp out every now and then, and maybe in the next summer or two, Incrediboy will join him for boy's campout night. We don't get near the dollar-per-fun-hour out of the boat that we used to, but we are excited to afford this aspect of childhood for him.

Saturday did me good. I'm still dealing with my forementioned here sadness, wrestling with invisible demons. I used to be able to remain positive by nature, upbeat and light of heart despite the whitecaps around me - nowadays I seem the opposite. I find myself feeling off track. I don't know where to look for the issues or how to identify what they are. More often than not one day blends into another in my life, and weeks go by before I even notice. Our beautiful Saturday was a nice beacon, though. I was reminded that even in the monotony of life, there is beauty and fun and wonderful memories to store away. That while phases and chapters end, others begin. Different, but equally valuable. Some of the simplest concepts can slip our minds.

I'm having these moments of clarity more frequently, and I'm feeling better as time goes by. I'm enjoying things I once enjoyed again. In the midst of rough waters, I am relaxing.

I'm a little bit closer to feeling fine.


i used to be me said...

I feel for the mountains the way you feel for the water. We only lived near them for 3 years but we got used to spending a lot of time camping out in them and hiking and I really miss it now that we're in Texas. We've been discussing getting a boat. There's something very restorative and healing about being close to nature.

Cheryl said...

Mountains/lakes, yes--me too. What kind of boat do you have? You need a good neighbor to watch MBD for you so you can go camping! Love that song--that album is one of my all-time favorites. There are some good memories surrounding it and the man who bought it for me. :)

Fight the darkness, lady. Sunrise is always waiting. And you are loved.

Martie said...

What a wonderful end to your "rainy" vacation. It sounds lovely. Wish I had been there! Hugs.

Ame said...

Keep fighting, Clew, keeping your eyes focused on God. You will get through this ... I know ... I did.

Saur♥Kraut said...

Clew, please pop over to my blog and tell me what can be done to make the terrazzo look nice. The staining didn't work. :P

Nelly said...

I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better, but I too have been trapped in a haze and everything seems to be moving, except for me. Time is flying by and I don't know how to catch up to it. Hugs to you!

Anonymous said...

I got so wrapped up in reading some of your other posts that I forgot to comment on this one :) "different, but equally valuable"...I fell into that analogy and found it compelling...I am sorry for the rough waters that you are traveling...but I am jealous of the boat that takes you out of them for awhile :)

Great song by the way...and thank you for putting me on your sidebar...I'm honored.

Anonymous said...

That just sounds like a glorious time on the boat! I sort of lived vicariously there for a moment. :)

Rebecca said...

Hmmm. The end of your post brought me right to the Indigo Girls... funny.

Sorry I've been MIA, haven't had much chance to blog, email or anything lately!

I'm glad you've enjoyed your vacations and time away - but I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been in a good place lately. I don't know that there are any words that anyone can say to make it better. Sort of like a storm, it just needs to pass....


Anonymous said...

and out of the dark and fog, she will emerge into the light.........poet

Joy said...

At the same time I opened your page and started reading the lyrics you posted, it was playing on the TV on some commercial. How strange is that?

Friend, I can also identify with this song. It just hit me that it states perfectly where I am in my life right now.