Monday, July 23, 2007

I'm Still Here!

People do not live in the present always, at one with it. They live at all kinds of and manners of distance from it, as difficult to measure as the course of the planets. Fears and traumas make their journeys slanted, peripheral, uneven, evasive.
-- Anais Nin

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Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to know God's will for you.
-- Romans 12:2

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You know, I haven't just been goofing off the whole time I've been away. I've actually been doing some pretty serious self-evaluation. It's been kind of ugly too, and I've spared you thus far. You should thank me, seriously. But your luck's run out.

Anyone who's visited Clew's Blues even a few times will know that although I do not make it a focal point of my blog (this is mainly my creative writing playground), I am a Christian and seek my refuge in the Lord. Well, theoretically anyway. I say it that way - because additionally, I struggle fairly regularly with depression. Why, I can't really tell you. I've lived through some rough experiences, but collectively no rougher than most other people I wouldn't say. Still, I've somehow allowed these experiences to skew my general attitude way too easily. The slightest arbitrary trigger has the power to send me reeling into the blues. Remembering some long past derailment will often haunt me for days or weeks. Any given comment or event may bounce off me one day and completely infuriate me the next. I sometimes take things way too personally, and have my feelings shredded as if they were made of tissue paper.

This is NOT fertile soil for the Lord's garden.

I'm a poster child for what Anais Nin referred in my first quote tonight. My arms length relationship with my folks, my unhappy adolescence, my trainwreck past relationships, and a lovely crabgrass bouquet of trust betrayals and backstabs have cultivated a dense thicket around my heart. My past skews my present and robs my future. I now tend to keep most all people at a comfortable distance from ever really knowing me (even under the guise of anonymity in blogland), and I retreat into a defense mode shell very quickly. In the course of slamming the shutters on all my windows and bolting my doors, I also do a good job of blocking out any light which would otherwise luminate my path. I sabotage my own joy. Because I am too busy glaring at my feet and cursing my own name under the weight of self-inflicted yokes, I miss so much of the beautiful walk I am on.

I'll be honest with you all. I also haven't written much in the last several months because I have felt nothing worthy of writing about. In this beautiful and blessed life, rich with friends and love and experiences, I have been blind to my own prosperity. My heart has been bound by and has retreated in the shadow of phantoms manifesting from long past heartaches. I've allowed these ghosts of my past to completely reshape my present.

I'm pretty sick of myself, to be honest. I'm disgusted that despite the fact that I am a child of God, I constantly allow the Devil to steal my peace by distracting me with things I should have let go of many years ago. I'm being attacked through my heart's most vulnerable areas. Sooo typical - and sooo effective.

But that's also what lets me know I'm on the right track. The right track sends the Devil into panic mode, and he throws massive poopstorms at me. Sometimes it works, and I careen back to square one, far from God. But other times - despite the static, I am more happy and at peace than at any other time. And when I have the guts to let go of my scars and allow my mind and heart to be transformed, the Lord's voice invariably separates from the din of all else that's rattling in my head.

I really need that clarity right now.

I was discussing Christianity with one of my best friends this weekend. We've known each other for 20 years but have rarely if ever talked about religion (we have both always been live and let live - it's the artists in us) ... She's been struggling with some things and has recently developed an interest in seeking the help of a Higher Power. As I was telling her how I personally believe that all we need to know to live a happy life can be found in the scripture of the Bible and the triune God has the power to heal her heart and lift the weight of her burdens if she allowed herself to be open to His gifts, I was internally convicted that I need to listen to my own words. She unknowingly pointed out many things to me as well, simply by wanting to talk.

We've always been there for each other. Seems this was no exception :) LOL

I've been tested a lot over the years. But trials and tests are a refining tool, not a sign of being foresaken. I have the power to release the anchors which drag me down. Somehow I've forgotten to let go. I'm trying hard to relearn how to allow Him to direct me, and to trust Him even when I can't track Him - because clearly I have NO idea how to navigate these waters on my own.

Many thanks for reading thus far. For now I have reverted to the original intention of this blog, which was self therapy and self exploration. In time I do plan to get back to my fanciful storytelling and cockeyed observances of the world around me. But for now until an undetermined date, I am studying myself. Try not to look so bored ;).


Cheryl said...

Not bored at all. :) Glad to hear from you! You're so right about Satan going into panic mode when you're on the right track--I have heard my mother say that SO many times. And my mother is always right.

Lori said...

You are never boring, clew. And I think we all walk this path at different times in our lives.

The Bible tells us to rejoice in our challenges, for they are what builds character. Even though this is a tough thing to remember, I feel it is so true. Though I thank God for my blessings and am truly grateful for His grace and presence, I think I'm more aware of Him during the rough times. The devil may try to trick us down his path, but he only pushes us closer in a walk with God.

ramblin' girl said...

My mom always reminds me that God never gives us more than we can handle. And I am thankful that along with the trials and tribulations he also gives us the friendship and love to handle them. We're always here to "listen"! (Thanks for writing this. Touched a chord.) And great to read your words!

River Rat said...

When I read your post I couldn't help but notice my head shaking in agreement. I too suffer from depression from some of the same things you mentioned. Sometimes it is a disease that i feel that I will never walk away from and other times I can feel myself rising from it's depths. Thank you for this post it's helped me see quite a few things...

chesneygirl said...

I often wonder if I have depression issues. I don't know?

I've never looked into it. I think maybe it's because if I do, I don't wanna know. Denial?