Monday, September 12, 2005

Soul Mates - Part One

A friend and I were recently discussing the concept of soul mates, and whether we believed in it. At first I said no, I did not. But then decided that wasn’t exactly correct … or was it? …

Ultimately, my final answer is a resounding … It depends.

In this context, I'm addressing lovers. Friends, platonic companions, fellow travelers on the sojourn of life are another matter, and a post for another time.

The popular dreamy concept of the Twin Flame Soul Mate (one person for one person, in matters of love and life partnership) is the one in which I don’t believe. That there is one perfect match out there for you – living Mizpah Coins - one lid for your pot, one yin for your yang, and once found the dance of joy commences for the rest of your days - is an idea quite quaint and appealing. Even practical (and a heck of a lot easier than real life) in theory. But age and experience will teach you quickly that it’s not that simple, and the few and far between examples of such are very much an exception over the norm and quite probably involve a severe case of selective memory. ;)

I loved my high school sweetheart very, very much. Even now, he is still in the top 3 loves of my life. But we broke up and somehow survived on our separate paths, each finding love again. I loved my first husband more than I could ever place into words. When our relationship fell to ruin, I didn’t feel I could live anymore. But I did. And I found love again. I love the Hub on a plane I've never encountered before. Here is where I know I belong. That’s not to say it’s easy, or even fun, all the time - contrary to the twitterpated portrait of the state of soul matedness.

So. Are all three of these influential men in my life, my soul mates? And if there is only one, which is the one? Any of them?

I don’t know if anyone is “predestined” to be together exclusively, romantically - as in, no other would or could ever fit. There is not only one man in the world possessing the abilities and qualities to make me happy, and I’m not the only woman any man could ever love. The fact that humans are forever changing and evolving creatures is enough to back up this statement alone.

Ultimately I decided that in the classic definitions, a soul mate isn’t something you necessarily find, in a neat little package, just waiting to be opened by the right suitor. A soul mate is something you become. While there are rudimentary beginnings –sprigs and sprouts which burst from sewn seeds, climb and flourish – after a while much care and pruning is required. Anyone in a relationship that has outlasted the fire and glitter of infatuation can tell you that in time, the wheat and chaff separate and it comes down to choice – and work. You grow and evolve together, or you (as a paired entity) die and you each move on to try again with someone else. The Hub and I met and fell in love. It wasn’t the first time for either of us, obviously. But we chose to be together and stay together. Ten years have passed since our initial sparks flew, and we are still together not only because we love each other deeply, but because we continue to make that choice every day. A wonderful gift that we voluntarily give each other. Something we cultivate together, this state of soul mateness - not because we were meant to be, but because we can be and choose to strive to remain.

May we all become and remain soul mates with ours.


Anonymous said...

I'm not sure if I beleive in soul mates, probably because I haven't been able to find one. If that person does exist for me; I'm going to need a seminar on how to locate them.

Anonymous said...

I see that you are becoming quite a popular writer with a large following.....keep at it, girl! You make me proud!

Lori said...

I believe in having soulmates;people you connect with on a certain level so deep that it's unexplainable. ("The Picture Remembers" on my blog back in June). However..I don't believe that a person is destined to meet a certain one. Some people simply connect and there's no explaining it. I know that I felt towards this man something that I have never experienced before nor ever expect to experience again. But, that doesn't mean that he was "the one" or the only one for me.

I, too, believe that love is a choice. You choose your mate and then MAKE him/her be the "right one". There are those exceptions, of course, but I know that you understand what I mean.

I agree wholeheartedly with what you say in this post and though sometimes in life we do meet a certain someone that forever touches and changes our heart, life - and love - doesn't necessarily stop there.

Lori said...

(oops..guess that was July!)

At any rate....
We are so much alike, you and I. Reading your blogs is almost familiar to me, but your eloquent writing is far exceeding and my favorite "read" each day.

clew said...

Ha ha, Lori, you're reading my mind - I was going to get into that side of it in part two! ;)

Thanks, friend - the admiration is mutual, I assure you! XOXO

honkeie said...

Soul mates, love at first sight..all stories to tell the lonely and unloved that there is hope. And there is, just doesnt fall in your lap or u find it walking by someone on the street. It comes from work, love and understanding. Understanding that even gold can tarnish but all it needs is some TLC and it will shine like new.