Thursday, March 29, 2007

Where am I?

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Lyric of the Day:

Well you go through life
So sure of where you’re headed
And you wind up lost
But it’s the best thing
That could have happened
‘Cause sometimes when you lose your way
It’s really just as well
Because you find yourself
Yeah, that’s when you find yourself.

- Brad Paisley

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I have this way of getting completely sidetracked in my life. Do you know what I mean?

There are times in one’s life where things are just moving along swimmingly, and you are so content with the way things have been going that you can barely understand why everyone else in the world can’t find contentment as well. Then there are other times where events turn unexpectedly and compound and snowball so much in your mind that they block out the very daylight that bathes you. You begin to glare down at your feet as you trudge along and before you know it, you’ve lost track of where you are and where you're going.

I have kind of always been easily sidetracked when troubling things are on my mind. I have a way of thinking things to death and then my brain hunts desperately for diversions in order to preserve itself –

sometimes an actual activity,
but sometimes only in my mind -
always self-absorbing,
often non-constructive in nature -

and it plunges into them with both feet for extended periods of time. I forget or neglect other things and before I know it I’m miles away from being anywhere or anything I want to be. I drive the Hub crazy when I get like that. I know I do. I drive MYSELF crazy, for that matter. But for the most part I can’t help it – it’s just my way. I guess it’s something I have to do by my nature to work through certain things.

The one constant thing in life is change. Just as soon as you’re all settled just how you like, inevitably something will come along and pull the rug out from under you. And anymore, there’s always something. That’s not always a bad thing, though. It may absolutely suck at the time, but things have a way of working out the way they’re supposed to, and when you look back you realize you ended up on the journey you needed to take anyway.

Seems so simple. Yet I forget that things will eventually be all right every single time. I revert to getting bogged down in the doldrums.

As my veteran readers know, I don’t have too many friends in my day-to-day life. Lots of acquaintances, but very few friends that I see on a regular basis. I have a wonderful family of loving boys, but a woman needs the company of other women. I’m a social creature, a pack animal - and I get lonely after a while.

I had one of my bi-annual-ish weekends with 2 of my 3 blogarita girls over St. Patrick’s Day weekend. I woke up on the day I was leaving feeling a little weird, like I was coming down with something, but I left anyway. I needed this weekend more than any ol’ twinge could talk me out of. I was shaky the first day but then perked up, and the long weekend of scrapping, drinking, eating, rocking and laughing renewed my spirits.

These women help me remember who I am.

It did eventually catch up with me – After returning home I came down with an evil virus that had been skulking through my household, and it sucked the life out of me for a good 10 days. This was only the last in several bouts of plague this season. I’ve felt much more myself this week, but a sore throat has surfaced. I pray fervently that it’s just the end of this bug and not the beginning of another.

For those who have wondered and asked, my Dad has recovered from his surgery well. His cancer was classified as Stage 3 – advanced, but isolated. He’s had his port put in and has started chemotherapy. I spoke to him yesterday and so far he feels pretty good. I feel in my heart that his chances of a full recovery and many more years ahead of him are very good. The journey has brought us closer together, and even brought him closer to God. The latter being something I never thought I’d see.

If you’re still with me, thanks for listening. I just wanted to get out some random ramblings before getting back to the business of making things interesting around here. I started this blog as a self-therapy tool. I started by just typing mental diarrhea (such as this post) but then it evolved into more of a creative writing project. I’ll be focusing on that angle again as I restart things here, but as always, things will unfold as they will. I hope to see you around.

So much has happened lately to divert my eyes from simple joys. A long dark winter has been settled on my soul, and I’m ready for a thaw. I’m ready to welcome spring. Even now, I kind of don’t even feel like making the effort … I almost feel atrophied … but I’m tired of where I am in my heart. I’m ready to find myself again.


chesneygirl said...

I HATE change...don't deal with it at all, my family can attest to that too! LOL

Our weekend was a great refresher for me too! I'm glad I could be of service! LOL ;)

Praying for your dad.

Spring? BRING. IT. ON!

bigwhitehat said...

GPS works well. I find myself with it sometimes.

You see it aint really a question of where you are. It is usually a question of who you are?

Nelly said...

I'm glad that the weekend refreshed would have me too, but just talking to you girls that weekend was refreshing for me...knowing you were together laughing like we did when we first met, it just brought back happy memories.

Everyone needs a break once in awhile to sort out their brain and that's ok. Everyone has family/personal issues that come up, and that's ok. The important thing is that you know people care, and people check in on you, even when they know you won't be there.

You know we would hang out ALL the time if we lived closer. I miss you and cherish our friendship. Did I say I'm glad you're back? Cause I am. Hugs clewy!

P.S. How's that belly dancing going? HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Anonymous said...

So glad I was distracted from the myriad of tasks I should be focusing on...
Distractions have diverted me to your delicious thought salad of a blog and was wholly distracted. Very delicious.
Love your ramblings...if I'm not totally and unhealthily obsessed by something I am totally distractible. No half measures here baby...
I love and embrace change and am constantly upsetting the status quo.
I look forward to more of your distractions x

Joy said...

i loved this post - so raw and so honest. welcome back to blogworld my friend. look up Song of Solomon 2:11-13, you'll find it refreshing for your soul. :)

Anonymous said...


I made it :)

I didn't know about your Dad...I'm sorry you all are going through that.

I'm pretty sure those Blogarita girls could bring out the Pope's humorous side.

Yes, that's with you in that group as well :)

I'm hoping you get "thawed" because I'm definitely going to add your site back to the blogroll Monday. I'm too lazy right now and I just got off work. Cut me some slack will ya?! :)

Lori said...

Welcome back, clew!
I'm not one for change either...even good change can be difficult. But you are stronger than you think and I see great things ahead for you!

So glad to see you writing again.
Hugs, gf.

Lainey said...

Hello again Clew,

Nice to hear from you. I've been neglecting my blog lately. Lots of stuff going on but it's beginning to settle down.
Keep in touch!

i used to be me said...

Glad you're back!

Anonymous said...

Glad things are looking up for your dad. It is also nice to see you back. I get lost all too often. But my sign are two fish swimming in opposite directions, so I think that says it all for me. :)

Anonymous said...

I am not sure if I know what I am doing to get this comment here. You know me and computers. I have said this many times your writing is a gift and one I am so happy that you are sharing with us again. I am here for you, please call on me if you need too. I think you are a very special woman.

Anonymous said...

I can so relate to much of what you have written here...and I am so glad you are back!! Thanks for visiting my new place and your kind words. I'm looking forward to staying in touch and sharing this journey.