Thursday, April 27, 2006

Mommy is a Big Fat Jerk

If you're checking in to see if I'm back to my deep, inspiring, reflective musings posts, I'm sorry to disappoint you. Maybe tomorrow I'll be feeling inspirational, but ...

I feel like a big jacka$$ today.

As I’ve mentioned before, Incrediboy is battling a virus that has a really nasty accompanying cough. Mornings are especially rough for the coughing. Yesterday morning as we were getting ready to leave for our day, he coughed so hard he spit up slimy orange juice all over the carpet and his clothes. So we had to clean that whole mess up and get changed before we could leave. Late. Urgh.

This morning he coughed up a big phlegm puddle again just as we were heading out the door. I’m absolutely exhausted from waking up every time he coughed the last couple nights and the whole thing just set me off today. I wasn’t mad at him, just mad, ya know? I mean our coats were on and everything and now I have to clean up lung puke. AGAIN. I practically screamed a chain of pseudo explicatives (and probably a few real ones too *blush* ), which scared Incrediboy into a crying fit.

After the second consecutive morning mop up, we got loaded in the car and arrived at Grandma’s house. Incrediboy was pretty quiet on the trip there and when I reached into the back seat to unload him, he looked at me and said, “I threw up.” I looked him over and didn’t see anything, and so I deduced, “Oh, you threw up at home?” He said, “Yeah …” He looked up at me with big sad eyes and and added in a very meek voice, “I’m sorry.”

Geez. He was apologizing for something he couldn’t even help, no doubt because of the Tourette’s tantrum I threw. I feel absolutely horrible.

This follows a bedtime offering the most scintillating moment in my life, as Incrediboy looked up at me from his nest of blankies and sleeping companions, and said for the first time, “I love you, Mommy”.

I am SO hating myself today.


Michelle said...

Oh sis, big HUGS! I know nothing will make you feel better until you can get home and hug your boy. But don't fret, it's not as bad as you think. It's okay for kids to know that mom's get tired and lose their patience too. It also give you a chance to apologize to him and teach him the fine art of graveling. :)

Rest assured, he probably isn't even thinking about it. He's probably having fun with Grandma.

Still, I know your heart is breaking over it. Hugs!

Nelly said...

I know how you are feeling in both respects. With both of my kids, I have dealt with this coughing up phelmy stuff at the worst possible moments and feeling mad about it even when it isn't the kids fault. It is a normal thing to feel so don't beat yourself up over it. He sounds like such a sweetheart! The first "I love you" is always the best one in any relationship! My little princess has been saying it for awhile now and I just melt everytime I hear it, especially when I don't say it first! So sweet coming from a tiny little voice!

BTW...You're NOT a big fat jerk!

Martie said...

If it is any comfort to you, all Mom's have lost their cool at one time or another and screamed at our child for something they couldn't help! But like nnm said, it gives you the chance to apologize and explain to him that mommies get tired and angry and even if they scream, they still love them! Hugs to you and hugs to Incrediboy, who btw, will be just fine with this. You'll see!

Itchy said...

Yeah...not a big fat jerk. Just a tired Mom that felt a bit stressed. We all do it.

chesneygirl said...

Dammit Clew!! You are the second blogger to make me cry today....AT WORK!!!

What a sweetheart incrediboy is!!

I was feeling the guilt last night...I worked out in the gym last night and got to chatting and left my son in the childcare way longer than I like too especially that late in the evening cause there aren't as many kids in there with him. When I finally retrieved him he was in there all by himself (w/the attendant) playing with a toy totally content but I still felt extremely guilty that he was alone...his face lit up when he saw me. When I put him in the car I gave him my car keys to play with, something I never allow him to do but I was trying to make up for my guilt and it's something LOVES to play with. He was so excited and about 5 minutes down the road he softly said "Thank you mommy" (he's only 22 months old!) as if he knew it was a privilege. Needless to say I was bubbling mess by the time I pulled in my driveway.

Cheer up, hun, he still loves you to death!! :)

chesneygirl said...

bubbling = blubbering

Anonymous said...

He didn't throw up on you, in the car, or on your most favored possession. That being said, Clew, you are tired.

Children can be very sensitive. He might have apologized, not out of fear, but out of love for you. He sees your weariness and frustration and wishes he could help out by not being ill. (been there done that)

He sounds like a great boy, who sounds incredibly fortunate to have a great mom ... possible flaws and all.

God bless.

Kodijack said...

Feeling guilty about a parenting act is some of the most debilitating guilt there is. I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through.

A little spoiling tonight might be great for both of you.

It's Just Me said...

Mommy guilt is the WORST! But "Mommy I love you" is the BEST.

Don't feel guilty. Just keep you mind focused on those precious words, uttered by that precious boy.


Joy said...

Incrediboy is a precious child. And you are a WONDERFUL mom - don't forget that. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

*ugh*...Mommy guilt has to be the WORST feeling.

You have hugs from me, sis.

Anonymous said...

(((clew))) & (((Incrediboy))). He knows that you love him.

Bougie Black Boy said...

hmmm.... the bond between a mother and a son is always amazing....

Cheryl said...

Naive-No-More put it well. I've had some of these moments, too. And My Boy knows that Mommy has no problem saying, "I'm sorry" when she's been a big fat jerk. And now My Boy has learned to say it too.

His first "I love you!"? That's huge! YAY!

i used to be me said...

hope little guy is feeling better soon!

i used to be me said...


Ame said...

I'm sorry. It is frustrating. Both my babies were reflux for a year or so, and my oldest has struggled with the congestive cough/allergies/colds since the moment she was born (long hospital story).

When she was very little - still in diapers - I would prop her up on the couch in a sitting position with pillows all around and on the floor. I had those video tapes that you could tape nine hours on, and I had taped her fav tv shows back to back to back without commercials. I would pop that in the vcr, turn the volume down low, and go back to bed.

She would eventually fall back to sleep, and the tv helped to keep her mind off her inability to stop coughing, calm her down, and becoming calm helped her to stop coughing. The nine hour tape gave me the freedom to go back to sleep knowing I would be up loooong before it was over!

She was probably six or seven? before she outgrew needing that. She still has "coughing fits," but not as often - and she can now sleep through at least thirty minutes of hard coughing before it wakes her up. Sad, I know. And, there are no cough meds that work for her anymore - not even the prescription ones.

When we moved into this house and our bedrooms are all up and the LR is down, we moved a sofa into our room just for her because she is up often enough, needing to be propped up on a couch, and to watch tv to calm her down.

The NUMBER ONE best parenting advice ever given to me??? SANITY AT ALL COSTS!!!!!

(All that being said, my best friend's son does the same thing only much more often, and his is due to asthema. If your son continues to be this way and you become concerned, begin documenting when and where and how long and what the coughing, throw-up, etc, looked like. Also record what he was doing - sleeping, running, eating, etc. A good allergist will be able to tell you if it's asthema or not. Also, it is RARE that their breath tests in the dr's office show up asthema - both her boys have severe asthema yet neither has ever had a breath test in the dr's office prove it.)

btw - welcome to being a Mommy. my little one has had stitches three times . . . and I am actually responsible for all three of them! But I made my pastor feel better when his daughter broke her arm and it was his fault. And another friend was responsible when her son broke his leg. It's the goofy things - she stepped on my slipper but I pulled it out; she fell; hit her 18 month old head on the back of a table chair, and wa la! We're in the ER. The second was the worst - I accidentally closed one of those top/bottom child's nursery doors on her pinky finger when she was three needing TEN stitches as you could even see that the blood vessel was cut in half. The third I put a hot, glass pot on a towel on the counter - yep, she pulled the towel, the then cooled pot fell on the tile floor, and when the glass popped up off the floor a piece came down and dug into her foot.

You're a GOOD mom - a bad mom would still be blaming the child. A GOOD mom makes mistakes and owns up to them. An insane mom thinks she never makes mistakes!

bigwhitehat said...

Sure I could be nice like everybody else. But I won't.

Shame on you!!!!!!!

Look out! That could be my mother coming to wash out your mouth with soap!

Now go watch "A Chrismas Story" for pennance.

bigwhitehat said...

Life Boy.

Anonymous said...

Hugs, kisses and I'm sorrys can repair a ton of damage. Don't worry so much now anyway; you'll do worse things during the teenage years. :)