Monday, April 25, 2011

Weary (A/Z)

For the A to Z Challenge - Letter W.

My Dad passed away early Saturday morning.

I've been continuing with my previously mentioned running to Mom's, now to help her with arrangements. He wanted to be cremated, which simplified many aspects of the planning. If you can really do that. Very little is simple about laying a loved one to rest.

My brother will scatter Dad's ashes in the Colorado Rockies, which Dad did not propose himself but would no doubt approve of as his point of re-entry, becoming one again with the Earth.

I have drawn a lot of comfort in knowing Dad is no longer suffering. He was in incredible pain and discomfort with his cancer. He was so weary from his fight. While he didn't want to leave us, he seemed to know it was coming sooner than later. I truly think he was ready to be at rest - perhaps even willfully ushering himself there.

My Dad and I shared a delicately balanced, eggshell-filled, and often tumultuous relationship. Not often close, not even always speaking to each other. But he was my Dad, and I his daughter, and in these last few years we have mended or otherwise let go of the static between us. I have had nothing but love for him during these final years, and I know he felt the same.

I have begun mourning a little bit, but the bulk is still to come. This is a big one, and add this blow to the fact that we've lost yet another close family member only a week ago (I had not blogged about this out of respect for family privacy), I truly have not even been able to get into the grieving process very deeply yet. I have a way of holding it together for the sake of being strong for everyone else until it's all done and life can return to normal. But then many days later something will flip the switch. I will probably see an amateur radio license plate on the freeway, or hear Sultans of Swing (one of Dad's favorites) on the radio ... and it will hit me. And I will fully grieve then, because that's when the time will be. It just needs to come to me on its own.

Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the weary, for they shall find rest.

Rest in Peace, Dad.



Coffeypot said...

Don't hold back any feelings. Handle things as you need too, in your own way. Let others be strong on their own.

Stacy said...

I didn't realize the kind of relationship you had with your dad. It sounds very similar to what I had with my dad. I had so many conflicting emotions tearing me up when my dad was battling cancer, but in a way I am grateful for his extended illness because it gave us the chance to reach a certain measure of peace with each other. And, as you said, when all was said and done, he was my dad.

Don't hold yourself to any standard of grieving. We all handle it differently and in my experience, a long illness causes/allows us to begin the letting go (grieving) process while the person is still with us. For me it slammed home when Taps was played at the funeral. Totally lost it. I think that must surely be the most mournful sound on Earth.

Still sending love and prayers.

Empress Bee (of the high sea) said...

i am so sorry for your loss honey. my father has been gone 18 years now and i still haven't grieved. i don't guess i ever will now. it was not a good relationship but i really tried. he didn't.

hugs, bee

Joy said...

My condolences and prayers go out to your family Clew. May He comfort you during this time of grief and loss. xoxo

Sarah Allen said...

This is a beautiful and poignant post, thank you for sharing. I admire your faith and courage in facing this trial. Wishing the best to you and your family.

Sarah Allen
(my creative writing blog)

juanitagf said...

So sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and let the grief come when it is ready. Your grieving may take a completely different form than you expect.

Beth Zimmerman said...

Came here from Stacy Lynn's referral. So sorry for your overwhelming loss. Feel your weariness! Your heart, and your way of coping with grief, feel familiar to me as it is much the same as mine. I hope you find comfort and rest soon!

I followed your blog so I can find you again ... maybe in a season of joy?

Southpaw said...

I so sorry for your loss. Take care. I'm sending my thoughts and prayers your way.

Sheila Siler said...

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mom three years ago and know how hard that can be. Just go with the flow and let it work through you.

Cameron VSJ said...


I have a quick question about your blog, would you mind emailing me when you get a chance?